Who in the fresh hell illustrated this horror? How many Macaulay Culkin movies can I reference in one post? Can someone call CPS on the Pikes already?
Answers to these and other pressing questions in my Baby-Sitters on Board recap over at Baby-Sitter's Club Snark!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Mallory and the Mystery Diary
Where would you even buy a kid-sized shirt that says "I ♥ Kids" on it?
Answers to this and other pressing questions in my recap of Mallory and the Mystery Diary over at Baby-Sitters Club Snark!
Answers to this and other pressing questions in my recap of Mallory and the Mystery Diary over at Baby-Sitters Club Snark!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tomorrow: The Faulty Carbon Monoxide Detector
I've been caught in a bit of a Sneaky Hate Spiral lately, which, though bad for my mental health and my blog updating schedule, is not bad for my house.
I've spent the past couple of months giving my book a bit of an overhaul, hopefully remembering to include a plot this time, and gone back to the submissions drawing board, with (in my opinion) a much better finished product. And where there once was promise, now I can't even get anyone to READ it. Form rejections. Go fucking figure.
So I'm mad about that, only I can't admit I'm mad about that because that would be lunacy, so instead I got up yesterday and was like, "I AM GOING TO SET THE MINIBLINDS ON FIRE."
All the miniblinds we have came with the house, and I hate them. They're all kind of a dark beige color that always looks dirty and matches nothing, and they always ARE dirty because they attract dog hair and don't wipe clean, and they're that cheap plastic-metallic material that makes your teeth feel like they're going to fall out when you run a fingernail across it. And they're ALL broken. All of them in some unique way. We have three windows in the front, facing out, and the blinds in the leftmost one will open and close but not raise or lower, the middle one will raise and lower but not open or close, and the rightmost one...
Please don't ring our doorbell.
So I was NOT mad about the rejections, okay? I was mad about these ugly, gross window treatments burdening my life. Mad enough to just start, like, slapping them, like I was Erica Kane jilted at her ninth wedding, yelling, "WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU ARE TURDS. GIANT WINDOW TURDS." And then I went to the store and was like "HELLO I NEED SOME NON-TURD WINDOW BLINDS OKAY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY." How big? I don't know, like, yea-big. Yes, yea-big. Non-turdy. Non-teeth-shattering shit-plastic. They were SPECTACULARLY unhelpful, this store.
The thought of leaving without blinds was really upsetting, though - no, I'm NOT upset that I'm probably coming home to another rejection in my inbox, that's just the life of a writer and I am a mature, grown-up person - so I just picked a size, white, cloth, and went home and ripped down the old blinds with a fork, cackling all the way.
You know, the new blinds look really nice.
Also, the shitty metallic-plastic doesn't burn. I tried.
I've spent the past couple of months giving my book a bit of an overhaul, hopefully remembering to include a plot this time, and gone back to the submissions drawing board, with (in my opinion) a much better finished product. And where there once was promise, now I can't even get anyone to READ it. Form rejections. Go fucking figure.
So I'm mad about that, only I can't admit I'm mad about that because that would be lunacy, so instead I got up yesterday and was like, "I AM GOING TO SET THE MINIBLINDS ON FIRE."
All the miniblinds we have came with the house, and I hate them. They're all kind of a dark beige color that always looks dirty and matches nothing, and they always ARE dirty because they attract dog hair and don't wipe clean, and they're that cheap plastic-metallic material that makes your teeth feel like they're going to fall out when you run a fingernail across it. And they're ALL broken. All of them in some unique way. We have three windows in the front, facing out, and the blinds in the leftmost one will open and close but not raise or lower, the middle one will raise and lower but not open or close, and the rightmost one...
So I was NOT mad about the rejections, okay? I was mad about these ugly, gross window treatments burdening my life. Mad enough to just start, like, slapping them, like I was Erica Kane jilted at her ninth wedding, yelling, "WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU ARE TURDS. GIANT WINDOW TURDS." And then I went to the store and was like "HELLO I NEED SOME NON-TURD WINDOW BLINDS OKAY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY." How big? I don't know, like, yea-big. Yes, yea-big. Non-turdy. Non-teeth-shattering shit-plastic. They were SPECTACULARLY unhelpful, this store.
The thought of leaving without blinds was really upsetting, though - no, I'm NOT upset that I'm probably coming home to another rejection in my inbox, that's just the life of a writer and I am a mature, grown-up person - so I just picked a size, white, cloth, and went home and ripped down the old blinds with a fork, cackling all the way.
You know, the new blinds look really nice.
Also, the shitty metallic-plastic doesn't burn. I tried.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Number Five Is Eating the Expired Can of Beans in the Back of the Pantry
I'm fairly certain the leading cause of death in Wisconsin in the winter months is bad temper. Second is probably ennui, followed by heart failure while shoveling the front walk, then being murdered by your spouse when you go away on a business trip to Florida and call her to complain about the air conditioning in your room. (Milo, I suggest that when your flight gets in tomorrow, you avoid the back door. It may have been booby-trapped by...uh...the dog.)
Winter in Wisconsin is a really terrific metaphor for why I've been crap about updating. It snows here just ALWAYS. Every day I shovel myself out and every day my path has disappeared and I have to start over, a little more cold and achy than the day before. Sometimes you're just chipping away at it not knowing if you'll ever get there at ALL - this, for example, was my front yard when I woke up on Wednesday, and I've been trying to reach the fence bit by bit for two days. I don't know what will happen when I get there; probably it will snow again. So, were I a more talented writer, I would point out that this is exactly how the process of writing a book has gone - I continually shovel my way out of the house (submit manuscript) only to get snowed on again (rejection, start over).
Okay, it isn't as bleak as all that. Rejection doesn't make me want to hula naked or anything, but that's why I have some Bailey's in the fridge. I've gotten great feedback, which has given me some good ideas for rewrites. I'm not throwing in the towel or anything. It's just long work, lonely work, and the winter is never-goddamn-ending. And you only have so much in you sometimes; it's like, okay, I can shovel off the driveway every day, because I HAVE TO, but if I'm doing that I'm not going to do the front porch too just for kicks. That's what blogging while also writing a book feels like to me. I'd like to start making this less of an either/or proposition now that the first book is technically done (other than the massive rewriting I'm trying to do) but not while I still have to shovel several hours a day. No, I mean LITERALLY. WISCONSIN, man. I loved it here spring through fall, but FUCK ME.
So I'll be back on the horse shortly, I promise, I just need a little time to dig myself out. In the meantime, I'll be selling bootleg, self-published copies of my Baby-Sitter's Club snarks.* Girl's gotta make a living somehow.
*No, I don't count snarks as blogging because you can write them in your sleep. And I'm positive some of the ghostwriters did, near the end. BSC books snark THEMSELVES.
Winter in Wisconsin is a really terrific metaphor for why I've been crap about updating. It snows here just ALWAYS. Every day I shovel myself out and every day my path has disappeared and I have to start over, a little more cold and achy than the day before. Sometimes you're just chipping away at it not knowing if you'll ever get there at ALL - this, for example, was my front yard when I woke up on Wednesday, and I've been trying to reach the fence bit by bit for two days. I don't know what will happen when I get there; probably it will snow again. So, were I a more talented writer, I would point out that this is exactly how the process of writing a book has gone - I continually shovel my way out of the house (submit manuscript) only to get snowed on again (rejection, start over).
Okay, it isn't as bleak as all that. Rejection doesn't make me want to hula naked or anything, but that's why I have some Bailey's in the fridge. I've gotten great feedback, which has given me some good ideas for rewrites. I'm not throwing in the towel or anything. It's just long work, lonely work, and the winter is never-goddamn-ending. And you only have so much in you sometimes; it's like, okay, I can shovel off the driveway every day, because I HAVE TO, but if I'm doing that I'm not going to do the front porch too just for kicks. That's what blogging while also writing a book feels like to me. I'd like to start making this less of an either/or proposition now that the first book is technically done (other than the massive rewriting I'm trying to do) but not while I still have to shovel several hours a day. No, I mean LITERALLY. WISCONSIN, man. I loved it here spring through fall, but FUCK ME.
So I'll be back on the horse shortly, I promise, I just need a little time to dig myself out. In the meantime, I'll be selling bootleg, self-published copies of my Baby-Sitter's Club snarks.* Girl's gotta make a living somehow.
*No, I don't count snarks as blogging because you can write them in your sleep. And I'm positive some of the ghostwriters did, near the end. BSC books snark THEMSELVES.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Snowbound!
Why is Stacey's mom obsessed with Levi's jeans? Where did can I buy a cow-shaped mailbox? What, for the love of God, is wrong with Nicky Pike's face?
Answers to these and other pressing questions in my Snowbound recap over at Baby-Sitter's Club Snark!
Answers to these and other pressing questions in my Snowbound recap over at Baby-Sitter's Club Snark!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Happy Delilahween
Ugh, Halloween. I am not a fan of Halloween. Which is to say, I loved it dearly as a kid, yet find that none of this joy managed to follow me into adulthood. I wonder — at the risk of stepping on the toes of 100% of my friends who think this holiday is the absolute shit, as opposed to just absolute shit — exactly how repressed you have to be to find Halloween fun past the age of 18. “But I can wear funny outfits! I can stay out late! I can eat AAAAALL THE CANDY AND DRINK AAAAALL THE SCHNAPPS I WANT HAHAHA.” Congratulations. You’re a grown up. You can do whatever the fuck you want. I myself frequently sit around in my Slytherin cape drinking boxed wine while watching A&E, and I call that “Monday night.”
Granted, many of you are also fans of the horror aspects of Halloween, which is just fine for you, but I think we’ve thoroughly covered why that is not okay in our house.
Anyway, so those feelings plus the pressure of coming up with an outfit that combines being sexy, smart, timely, mobile, and cheap enough to justify only wearing it once proved way too much for me — I mean, I already HAD a wedding this year. And I already got scared and cried in public once this year too, when I got lost at the museum. So: staying in, obviously.
Unfortunately, it didn’t really occur to me until this morning that now that we live in a real house in a nice neighborhood, if we stayed in then we would actually be getting some trick-or-treaters. And that was a problem because we are the laziest bastards on the planet. We do not have Halloween decorations, or St. Patrick’s Day decorations, or a Christmas tree, or an Independence Day flag, or even Garbage Day lights. We do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Neither of us even knows when our anniversary is. Two years ago we kept driving around to stores one day, frustrated and unable to figure out why nothing was open, and had to go home and check the Internet just to find out it was Easter.
But the much bigger problem: Delilah and the doorbell. That was written when we didn’t HAVE a doorbell...AND NOW WE DO. She has broken windows and knocked out screens trying to lunge at people who make the mistake of ringing our doorbell. We could shut her in somewhere, but I’m certain she’s capable of breaking down a door. So I get this brilliant idea to fix my two problems in one: I tape up a sign in the front window that says “Beware of flesh-eating zombie monster dog.” There, now we have a Halloween decoration AND we’ve given everyone fair warning about Delilah. I station myself on the couch in front of the window, armed with my laptop and a bowl of Kit-Kats (and a second bowl, to give to the trick-or-treaters) and I’m ready to go.
Guys, this turns out to be the best idea I have EVER had. Inevitably, a group would come up to the door—to the boring House of No Funnington, with no pumpkins, no cobwebs, no scary light displays—and they would see my little sign, and you’d see the parents’ faces scrunch up and their lips moving slightly as they read the sign and looked around in confusion, seeing nothing indicating a monster decoration of any sort. And then they’d ring the doorbell and WHAM CRASH BARK BARK BARK SNAAAARL ROWF ROWF CRASH THUD THUD THUD this crazed beast would appear out of nowhere and SLAM into the window and everyone would scream bloody murder, one Cinderella would start sobbing, a Frankenstein would go sprinting out the gate, and at least two Spidermans would wet their pants. My GOD it was entertaining. This was WAY better than the guy down the street who sat motionless on his porch dressed as a scarecrow and then jumped out and grabbed people who came by. For one thing, his was a cheap scare, but ours was real danger. Delilah really would eat a trick-or-treater if we let her. Also, we got to keep all our candy. “Trick or treat!” we’d say, our eyes gleaming evilly. “Would you like to pet the flesh-eating zombie?” People seemed to forget about their Snickers and leave in a hurry for some reason.
I should probably leave the sign up year round, shouldn’t I.
***
(I tried to get a video of this hilarity as it appeared to the trick-or-treaters, but I, being Mommy and therefore unexciting to her, utterly failed to ignite her into a frenzy. It was less “I WILL CONSUME YOUR ETERNAL SOUL” and more “Hurrr durp, Mom, why you outside?” On the upside, I got a decent Fail Video out of it.)
Granted, many of you are also fans of the horror aspects of Halloween, which is just fine for you, but I think we’ve thoroughly covered why that is not okay in our house.
Anyway, so those feelings plus the pressure of coming up with an outfit that combines being sexy, smart, timely, mobile, and cheap enough to justify only wearing it once proved way too much for me — I mean, I already HAD a wedding this year. And I already got scared and cried in public once this year too, when I got lost at the museum. So: staying in, obviously.
Unfortunately, it didn’t really occur to me until this morning that now that we live in a real house in a nice neighborhood, if we stayed in then we would actually be getting some trick-or-treaters. And that was a problem because we are the laziest bastards on the planet. We do not have Halloween decorations, or St. Patrick’s Day decorations, or a Christmas tree, or an Independence Day flag, or even Garbage Day lights. We do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Neither of us even knows when our anniversary is. Two years ago we kept driving around to stores one day, frustrated and unable to figure out why nothing was open, and had to go home and check the Internet just to find out it was Easter.
But the much bigger problem: Delilah and the doorbell. That was written when we didn’t HAVE a doorbell...AND NOW WE DO. She has broken windows and knocked out screens trying to lunge at people who make the mistake of ringing our doorbell. We could shut her in somewhere, but I’m certain she’s capable of breaking down a door. So I get this brilliant idea to fix my two problems in one: I tape up a sign in the front window that says “Beware of flesh-eating zombie monster dog.” There, now we have a Halloween decoration AND we’ve given everyone fair warning about Delilah. I station myself on the couch in front of the window, armed with my laptop and a bowl of Kit-Kats (and a second bowl, to give to the trick-or-treaters) and I’m ready to go.
Guys, this turns out to be the best idea I have EVER had. Inevitably, a group would come up to the door—to the boring House of No Funnington, with no pumpkins, no cobwebs, no scary light displays—and they would see my little sign, and you’d see the parents’ faces scrunch up and their lips moving slightly as they read the sign and looked around in confusion, seeing nothing indicating a monster decoration of any sort. And then they’d ring the doorbell and WHAM CRASH BARK BARK BARK SNAAAARL ROWF ROWF CRASH THUD THUD THUD this crazed beast would appear out of nowhere and SLAM into the window and everyone would scream bloody murder, one Cinderella would start sobbing, a Frankenstein would go sprinting out the gate, and at least two Spidermans would wet their pants. My GOD it was entertaining. This was WAY better than the guy down the street who sat motionless on his porch dressed as a scarecrow and then jumped out and grabbed people who came by. For one thing, his was a cheap scare, but ours was real danger. Delilah really would eat a trick-or-treater if we let her. Also, we got to keep all our candy. “Trick or treat!” we’d say, our eyes gleaming evilly. “Would you like to pet the flesh-eating zombie?” People seemed to forget about their Snickers and leave in a hurry for some reason.
I should probably leave the sign up year round, shouldn’t I.
***
(I tried to get a video of this hilarity as it appeared to the trick-or-treaters, but I, being Mommy and therefore unexciting to her, utterly failed to ignite her into a frenzy. It was less “I WILL CONSUME YOUR ETERNAL SOUL” and more “Hurrr durp, Mom, why you outside?” On the upside, I got a decent Fail Video out of it.)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Milo's Eyebrows Are at Least 75 Words Each
I can't believe what a neglectful blogger I've been recently, but I have a good reason - I was last seen flailing into the night wearing a bedsheet and shrieking, "I am the Queen of France!" No, seriously, I decided to focus my energies fully on my book for a while, which is coming along just FINE, Mom. Most of you know that I quit my job when I moved to Madison and, with Milo's blessing, made it my full-time career for the short term future to actually finish writing a whole book that didn't have a 25 page interlude in the middle reading nothing but "PEAS PEAS PEAS PEAS PEAS." (It was an artistic gesture, clearly meant to convey "I have no idea what happens next in this plot.") As such, all the ideas, energy, and mental flow I'd normally have stuck up on Livejournal without so much as a cursory proofread instead gets put down in The Book, meticulously shaped, read, reshaped, tinkered over, and eventually deleted when I read it back the next week and decide it couldn't be any more crap if I were possessed by the spirit of Ed Wood.
Anyway, I've finally hit the point of complete despair that happens when you've worked and worked for months on end - promising your husband that yes, very SOON I will have a handsome cash advance in hand for my writing, and yes, I'll stop shopping online until that happens, unless I find a really fancy pair of boots - and my word count is still short. Like, really, REALLY short. I'm working off the rule of thumb that 50,000 words is the bare minimum most publishers will consider, because they cannot justify a $24.95 hardcover list price for a book the size of a grocery list. I just can't seem to reach that number, like someone keeps getting up in the middle of the night and deleting vast swaths of dreck. (Okay, that one's me. But in any case, I routinely read fanfic longer than 50,000 words. How the HELL are you guys doing that and working day jobs and writing your own novels besides?)
Anyway, I was reading Hyperbole and a Half earlier (go forth and cackle until your vocal cords tear, then continue that heaving noiseless laugher until your front is soaked with spittle and blood) and suddenly thought - yes! YES! A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS! All I have to do is include pictures! I mean, I can't draw to save my life, but that hasn't stopped xkcd or Cyanide and Happiness from becoming wildly popular, right?
So, for example, an anecdote about my rogue TomTom can suddenly be made fifty percent longer simply by adding a visual effect:
You'd pay $24.95 for that, right?
Now for a brief teaser of NEVER BEFORE SEEN material, to appear in my upcoming book, coming to your local bookstore just as soon as I finish it, convince an agent to represent me, sell it to a publisher with a reasonable marketing budget, and spend my handsome cash advance on funny hats.
That's $24.95. Tell your friends.
Anyway, I've finally hit the point of complete despair that happens when you've worked and worked for months on end - promising your husband that yes, very SOON I will have a handsome cash advance in hand for my writing, and yes, I'll stop shopping online until that happens, unless I find a really fancy pair of boots - and my word count is still short. Like, really, REALLY short. I'm working off the rule of thumb that 50,000 words is the bare minimum most publishers will consider, because they cannot justify a $24.95 hardcover list price for a book the size of a grocery list. I just can't seem to reach that number, like someone keeps getting up in the middle of the night and deleting vast swaths of dreck. (Okay, that one's me. But in any case, I routinely read fanfic longer than 50,000 words. How the HELL are you guys doing that and working day jobs and writing your own novels besides?)
Anyway, I was reading Hyperbole and a Half earlier (go forth and cackle until your vocal cords tear, then continue that heaving noiseless laugher until your front is soaked with spittle and blood) and suddenly thought - yes! YES! A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS! All I have to do is include pictures! I mean, I can't draw to save my life, but that hasn't stopped xkcd or Cyanide and Happiness from becoming wildly popular, right?
So, for example, an anecdote about my rogue TomTom can suddenly be made fifty percent longer simply by adding a visual effect:
You'd pay $24.95 for that, right?
Now for a brief teaser of NEVER BEFORE SEEN material, to appear in my upcoming book, coming to your local bookstore just as soon as I finish it, convince an agent to represent me, sell it to a publisher with a reasonable marketing budget, and spend my handsome cash advance on funny hats.
That's $24.95. Tell your friends.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Mallory and the Dream Horse
Does Mallory really need a calendar to prove Saturday doesn't coincide with Monday, Wednesday, and Friday? Is it just my imagination, or does this book lightly hint at bestiality? For the love of god, how many people are in Mallory's riding class?
Answers to these pressing questions and more in my recap of Mallory and the Dream Horse over at Baby-Sitters Club Snark!
Answers to these pressing questions and more in my recap of Mallory and the Dream Horse over at Baby-Sitters Club Snark!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yes I Said Yes I Will Yes
Lord, you guys. We did it. We got married. And you know what? NOT ONE THING WENT WRONG. Maybe we can have nice things after all.
...Well, no, we still can’t, because I managed to drop and completely destroy my cake topper on the way home, and I knocked over same piece of crystal TWICE trying to fit it into a cabinet (how the hell it didn’t break is beyond me; why anyone would give ME crystal in the first place is further beyond me), and I stepped on my own train and fell down doing the Gob Bluth Chicken Dance, but frankly, these are just things I’ve learned to live with over the years.
But that’s neither here nor there, because let me tell you the best thing about the whole day: Everybody loves the bride. No—EVERYBODY. For one day only, everybody thinks you are just the most fly bitch on the face of the planet and they TOTALLY MEAN IT. This was something of a shock to my system. I mean, I guess I was conscious of the whole “BRIDE’S SPECIAL DAAAAY” aspect of things, and I think you can actually be ticketed and fined if you see a woman in a wedding dress and don’t clasp her hands firmly in yours and tell her she’s the most beautiful creature in the universe even if she actually looks like a donkey dressed as Wayne Newton, but I was sort of too concerned about things like whether Milo would be wearing pants at the altar to really ruminate on it beforehand.
So my plan for the whole wedding day was: No Plan. This is because I suffer from pretty serious anxiety problems, which you would think would make me want to have shit nailed down to the floor, but actually the opposite was true. I knew going into it that if I had a plan, I would probably start having paroxysms when things inevitably did not go according to it (“It is 2:37 WHY ARE WE NOT ON BRIDESMAIDS POSE 14 FOR CHRISTSAKES WERE WE RAISED IN A BARN IS THIS A WEDDING OR A HOEDOWN MY GOD”), so when the wedding party asked when they needed to show up, I inevitably said, “Eh, sometime Saturday would be good. If you can make it.” This way it would not ruffle me when they showed up the following Thursday. It’s good to have your expectations low.
This probably isn’t the BEST way to have done things—for example, Milo called up to me as I was getting laced into my dress (estimated lace time: 4 hours) to inform me that, thanks to my lack of planning, the wagon that would be hauling the ring bearers down the aisle hadn’t been decorated yet. I refused to be ruffled. “Get a groomsman and toss some crepe paper on that shit.” But here’s the glorious thing: Because I was The Bride, he DID. (It looked like the Frankenwagon recently surfaced from the bottom of Crystal Lake, but remember, expections: So very, very low. This is a guy who thinks that brown socks with black shoes is bitchin style.)
I wanted a donut while I was getting my hair done? Bridesmaid will run down the block! I needed someone to hold my veil while I was on the can? Maid of honor here! I don’t feel like walking anymore? Groomsman piggy back rides! How the hell have I not hit on this way of life before? If you’re wearing a wedding dress, everything you do is both awesome and completely reasonable. I probably could have commanded some guests to reenact Plato’s Stepchildren completely in the nude for my own amusement and it would have been a-ok. (The part where Kirk pretends to be a horse while being ridden by a midget is, I feel, a wedding tradition more couples should embrace.) We went out to the bar after the reception and complete STRANGERS were honking and waving, buying us drinks, trying to dance with me, trying to touch my dress, trying to touch my hair, trying to kiss me, etc. Granted, strangers were very drunk, but still. A bride! We love her!
I think I’m going to wear the dress again next weekend and see how it goes.
Look at this fine shit. Want to see more? Head yonder for the professional set (EDIT: Now with real working link! You gotta tell me about these things, guys) - the username is Heather and Michael and the password is 15457-061210. (I highly recommend the "Before the Reception" and "On the Quad" sets, if you promise not to notice my nipple slip that is totally evident in one of those pictures.) Or you can hit up my Facebook for a series of increasingly bizarre candids.
...Well, no, we still can’t, because I managed to drop and completely destroy my cake topper on the way home, and I knocked over same piece of crystal TWICE trying to fit it into a cabinet (how the hell it didn’t break is beyond me; why anyone would give ME crystal in the first place is further beyond me), and I stepped on my own train and fell down doing the Gob Bluth Chicken Dance, but frankly, these are just things I’ve learned to live with over the years.
But that’s neither here nor there, because let me tell you the best thing about the whole day: Everybody loves the bride. No—EVERYBODY. For one day only, everybody thinks you are just the most fly bitch on the face of the planet and they TOTALLY MEAN IT. This was something of a shock to my system. I mean, I guess I was conscious of the whole “BRIDE’S SPECIAL DAAAAY” aspect of things, and I think you can actually be ticketed and fined if you see a woman in a wedding dress and don’t clasp her hands firmly in yours and tell her she’s the most beautiful creature in the universe even if she actually looks like a donkey dressed as Wayne Newton, but I was sort of too concerned about things like whether Milo would be wearing pants at the altar to really ruminate on it beforehand.
So my plan for the whole wedding day was: No Plan. This is because I suffer from pretty serious anxiety problems, which you would think would make me want to have shit nailed down to the floor, but actually the opposite was true. I knew going into it that if I had a plan, I would probably start having paroxysms when things inevitably did not go according to it (“It is 2:37 WHY ARE WE NOT ON BRIDESMAIDS POSE 14 FOR CHRISTSAKES WERE WE RAISED IN A BARN IS THIS A WEDDING OR A HOEDOWN MY GOD”), so when the wedding party asked when they needed to show up, I inevitably said, “Eh, sometime Saturday would be good. If you can make it.” This way it would not ruffle me when they showed up the following Thursday. It’s good to have your expectations low.
This probably isn’t the BEST way to have done things—for example, Milo called up to me as I was getting laced into my dress (estimated lace time: 4 hours) to inform me that, thanks to my lack of planning, the wagon that would be hauling the ring bearers down the aisle hadn’t been decorated yet. I refused to be ruffled. “Get a groomsman and toss some crepe paper on that shit.” But here’s the glorious thing: Because I was The Bride, he DID. (It looked like the Frankenwagon recently surfaced from the bottom of Crystal Lake, but remember, expections: So very, very low. This is a guy who thinks that brown socks with black shoes is bitchin style.)
I wanted a donut while I was getting my hair done? Bridesmaid will run down the block! I needed someone to hold my veil while I was on the can? Maid of honor here! I don’t feel like walking anymore? Groomsman piggy back rides! How the hell have I not hit on this way of life before? If you’re wearing a wedding dress, everything you do is both awesome and completely reasonable. I probably could have commanded some guests to reenact Plato’s Stepchildren completely in the nude for my own amusement and it would have been a-ok. (The part where Kirk pretends to be a horse while being ridden by a midget is, I feel, a wedding tradition more couples should embrace.) We went out to the bar after the reception and complete STRANGERS were honking and waving, buying us drinks, trying to dance with me, trying to touch my dress, trying to touch my hair, trying to kiss me, etc. Granted, strangers were very drunk, but still. A bride! We love her!
I think I’m going to wear the dress again next weekend and see how it goes.
____
Look at this fine shit. Want to see more? Head yonder for the professional set (EDIT: Now with real working link! You gotta tell me about these things, guys) - the username is Heather and Michael and the password is 15457-061210. (I highly recommend the "Before the Reception" and "On the Quad" sets, if you promise not to notice my nipple slip that is totally evident in one of those pictures.) Or you can hit up my Facebook for a series of increasingly bizarre candids.
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