Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tomorrow: The Faulty Carbon Monoxide Detector

I've been caught in a bit of a Sneaky Hate Spiral lately, which, though bad for my mental health and my blog updating schedule, is not bad for my house.

I've spent the past couple of months giving my book a bit of an overhaul, hopefully remembering to include a plot this time, and gone back to the submissions drawing board, with (in my opinion) a much better finished product. And where there once was promise, now I can't even get anyone to READ it. Form rejections. Go fucking figure.

So I'm mad about that, only I can't admit I'm mad about that because that would be lunacy, so instead I got up yesterday and was like, "I AM GOING TO SET THE MINIBLINDS ON FIRE."

All the miniblinds we have came with the house, and I hate them. They're all kind of a dark beige color that always looks dirty and matches nothing, and they always ARE dirty because they attract dog hair and don't wipe clean, and they're that cheap plastic-metallic material that makes your teeth feel like they're going to fall out when you run a fingernail across it. And they're ALL broken. All of them in some unique way. We have three windows in the front, facing out, and the blinds in the leftmost one will open and close but not raise or lower, the middle one will raise and lower but not open or close, and the rightmost one...

Please don't ring our doorbell.

So I was NOT mad about the rejections, okay? I was mad about these ugly, gross window treatments burdening my life. Mad enough to just start, like, slapping them, like I was Erica Kane jilted at her ninth wedding, yelling, "WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU ARE TURDS. GIANT WINDOW TURDS." And then I went to the store and was like "HELLO I NEED SOME NON-TURD WINDOW BLINDS OKAY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY." How big? I don't know, like, yea-big. Yes, yea-big. Non-turdy. Non-teeth-shattering shit-plastic. They were SPECTACULARLY unhelpful, this store.

The thought of leaving without blinds was really upsetting, though - no, I'm NOT upset that I'm probably coming home to another rejection in my inbox, that's just the life of a writer and I am a mature, grown-up person - so I just picked a size, white, cloth, and went home and ripped down the old blinds with a fork, cackling all the way.

You know, the new blinds look really nice.

Also, the shitty metallic-plastic doesn't burn. I tried.

1 comment:

  1. Only you could find a point of commonality between broken blinds and la Kane. Further testament to your brilliance.